WTF?
by Big Dan Mongoosedog
Summary: Wesker is at his home when he receives a phone call, among other things. Read and find out what happens in this attempt at humor!


Resident Evil – WTF?

The phone rang, causing Wesker to jump out of his chair. He dashed for it and picked up the receiver quickly.

"Hello?"

The line was quiet for a long time before he heard an unfamiliar voice.

"How ya doin'?"

"I suppose I am alright, yourself?"

"Purty good, considerin' that my sheep needs pushed through the fence…wanna help?"

_Ignorant imbecile redneck! _Wesker thought to himself, and sighed before he looked at his caller ID. The device read I.. Just as he looked at the caller ID, unbeknownst to him, Chris, Jill, and Krauser all walked in to drop by for a quick visit. Still looking at the caller ID, Wesker read the name out loud.

"I.?"

The three people behind Wesker busted into laughing fits, each one dropping down and rolling around on the ground, tears streaming down each one's face. The person on the other end of the phone began laughing hard. Wesker's face turned red as he kept repeating that name, trying to figure out what was so damn funny.

"I.…."

"I'mawiener….."

"I'm a wiener…."

"I'm a wiener?"

When he finally figured it out, Wesker slammed the phone down into the ground, making the plastic contraption basically explode and scatter into literally a million pieces. Silently, he looked up at the three other people as Krauser got to his feet.

"Don't sound so surprised, Boss! We all knew it!"

Wesker clinched his fist, raising it as he walked up to Krauser. Suddenly, just as he was about to punch, Krauser raised his fist as well, both of the men looked at each other in silence, a clear standoff. Chris and Jill were on their feet in an instant, but both immediately backed away, knowing there was no sense trying to stop this feud.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Krauser?"

Krauser nodded his sureness before speaking.

"Yep, you ready?"

Wesker nodded, slamming his fist straight toward Krauser, who in turn, did the same to Wesker. Jill and Chris both closed their eyes and flinched into a guarded position. Just before they connected, both Krauser and Wesker stopped suddenly and yelled out.

"Rock!"

Wesker's voice boomed out, Chris stood and looked at his fist, which was sure enough in the form of a rock.

"Paper!"

Krauser yelled just after Wesker, loving the looks on Wesker's, Jill's, and Chris' faces as Wesker realized he just got beat and Jill and Chris were still shell-shocked at what had just took place.

"What…"

"The Fuck?"

Chris said and Jill finished, both slack jawed and bug eyed.

"DAMN! STUPID ROCK!"

Wesker shouted as he stormed off for his living room, while Krauser shook with laughter and watched the two former S.T.A.R.S. members' faces. When Wesker was alone finally, in his living room, he clinched his fist again and grabbed a computer.

"Now, to find out who made that damn prank phone call!"

He quickly typed himself into his own personal made tracing program. Grabbing another phone, he flipped through the caller ID and found the name.

"Okay, Mr. I.…..Let's see if you can hide from me!"

"Damn!"

Wesker quickly typed another address into the computer. Once again, the name I. flashed and then the words 'NO RESULTS FOUND' were in red on the screen. Furious, Wesker threw the computer across the living room, through the front door and into an old man that was walking by, making him flip off of his feet and land in a thorn bush. When the old man was able to move again, he headed for his home, yelling out in agony.

"Honey! Help meh! I got something up my ass!"

His wife, also elderly, walked out from the kitchen with a rolling pin and proceeded to beat him over the head relentlessly.

"I don't want to hear that perverted kind of talk anymore! I have put up with it for dag on near 40 years and I'm sick of it! If you and your male sex toys want to go get some fun, then that's your own business, you wrinkled sonofabitch!"

The man endured the beating just long enough to turn around and drop his pants, revealing the thorns from the plant in his behind before dropping down on the floor and breathing heavily. His wife laughed nervously before throwing the rolling pin out the door, hitting Wesker, who was trying to relieve stress from the computer incident by taking a walk. Just as he was struck, Wesker looked down at the object and tilted his head.

"Seriously? Come on!"

The old woman, whose door was still open, poked her head out of the door and yelled at him.

"HEY! I GOT A SICK HUSBAND IN HERE, SO KEEP IT DOWN, YA WIENER!"

If it hadn't have been for that last word, Wesker would have leapt over to her door, ripped the house down on her and then walked back to his evil lair, humming a show tune and feeling better about the calling incident. But, now he was crying like a little girl and running toward the lair at full speed, tripping over a misplaced rock on the way and skidding on his face, breaking his sunglasses. He shielded his eyes quickly before pulling out another pair from his pocket. _Thank god for spares. _He thought before running again, calming down slightly as he entered his home.

"Welcome back, Wesker."

Jill said while he brushed past her and into the library. Chris and Krauser were standing in his library, a book in each one's hands. Both men looked as if they were actually reading the bound pages very seriously.

"That's refreshing. For once, you two aren't up to any mischief…..I hope."

"Nope, no mischief here, just doin' some casual reading, right, Krauser?"

"Yep, no mischief here."

Wesker raised one of his eyebrows, studying the books they were reading. Chris had a book on weaponry and Krauser had a book on Global Warming. Krauser had just been busted, and he didn't know it. Walking over, Wesker placed himself in a chair opposite the older Redfield and smiling.

"So, Krauser, you like Global Warming?"

Krauser shrugged, turning a page and continuing to read as he spoke.

"Not really, it is going to end up melting the ice and flooding the world most likely."

"True. Well, it seems as if you are reading."

"Yeah, wait a second…..'Turn to page 4'?"

Wesker, in disbelief that someone would violate one of his prized possessions, snatched the book up quickly and looked, then turned to page 4.

"Turn to page 180."

He turned the page, then turned it again to page 20, then page 50, finally, turning it to page 1 and reading the message.

"Congratulations, you have wasted exactly 10 minutes of your time. Now, don't think it is a complete waste, feel free to read the following out loud to get the key to the entire joke."

Wesker read, looking just below the message and reading the next phrase out loud quickly.

"I am sofa king we Todd Ed."

Krauser and Chris high fived, laughed, then looked at Wesker and laughed harder. He thought about it for a moment before he exploded into another rage.

"CHRIIIIIISSS!"

He shouted, chasing both of the men from the library and into the living room, where Jill was. Chris was still laughing and Krauser was mocking Wesker, putting on a pair of stolen shades and removing his red beret to look similar to him.

"CHRIIIIISSS!"

Suddenly, Wesker stopped and pointed to the door.

"All of you. Out."

Chris and Krauser hung their heads slightly and Jill stood and shrugged.

"C'mon, Wesker. It was just a little fun."

"No matter, you cause irreplaceable damage to one of my most cherished items, caused me to get hit with a rolling pin, and I'm fairly certain it was one of you three that made the call that made me admit that I am a wiener secretly."

"I knew it! You ARE a wiener!"

Jill said quickly, smirking and pointing her finger at him. Wesker turned a deep crimson before he yelled.

"GET OUUUUUUUTTT!"

The force of his full volume voice was enough to shake the entire complex. Chris left first, with Jill on his arm and then Krauser after the two of them. After getting rid of the nuisances, Wesker turned briskly and headed up to his personal master bedroom. He pulled down his 'Hello Kitty' bed sheet and comforter set and settled into the bed, grabbing his stuffed platypus named '' and going to sleep after blowing a kiss to a picture of Leon of his wall and saying;

"There's nothing wrong with being a little sensitive."

(Author's Note – Sorry this is a little short, but I honestly had to cut it off because it looked like I was beginning to Ramble. I can't deal with that on most days, so I ended the story. If anyone who reads this thinks I should make a second chapter, message me or say so in a review.)


End file.
